I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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