You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
