I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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