mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
