at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
