I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
