It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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