went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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