i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He had one of those small greek statue penises
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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