I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
