my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.