I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
