I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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