normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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