I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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