How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
