either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
