I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
