I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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