well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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