anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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