all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
