I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
