I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
