TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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