I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Your penis caused this!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
