you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
vagina is talking i cant
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
