??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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