I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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