i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
