It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
