i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
