I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
