What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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