if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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