How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
