I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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