she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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