Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
