I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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