Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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