I'm going to jail i love you
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
