I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
