so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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