all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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