Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
