I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
