Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
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As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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