gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
