I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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