false alarm. still invincible.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We just shotgunned beers for America
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
