FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
this boner is exhausting
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
