She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
