I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
