Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
