seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
