Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
