living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
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Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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